Getting Rid of Anger

Controlling one’s temper is a life-long endeavor since anger is an inborn emotion.  However, the more you practice, the better you get. Young children have a harder time controlling their tempers, in part because their nervous systems are not fully developed, although the environment plays a role right from the beginning.

Learn To Relax

Think about the last time you got angry or frustrated. What did you do? Yell? Curse? Feel like hitting? Perhaps you threw something or broke something or struck someone. Regardless of what you actually did or didn’t do, chances are you felt tense, wound-up, or nervous.  People often use the term "tied up in knots" to describe their feelings in these situations.  Sometimes, aggressive behavior is a way of releasing such tension, of "getting it out" of us.  Afterwards, we may feel badly or sorry for our actions.  We may have hurt someone or broken a favorite possession, but we may also feel less tense.  If only we could reduce the tension and relax in some other way, we might avoid angry and explosive behavior.

Fortunately, there are many better ways to reduce the tension.  These methods are effective and easy to learn, but best of all you can teach them to yourself.  Once you have acquired these relaxation skills, you will have a tool that you can use to control the tension in any area of your life, at work or at home.  As a result, you will be able to reduce the anger that so often blows up into aggression.

There are many proven methods of self-relaxation and you probably use some of them without even realizing it.  For example, think of the last time you had to make a speech in public, read a paper in class, or go for a job interview.  What did you do?  If you’re like most people, you probably closed your eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled slowly and forcefully.  Maybe you gave yourself a pep talk, told yourself to relax, imagined you were somewhere else, or tried to convince yourself that this was not really so important.  Baseball players frequently do exercises in the on-deck circle or on the sidelines to loosen-up and you may do the same.  Actually, these are all effective methods of relaxation.  As we explain the various relaxation training exercises in this chapter, you will recognize many of these elements.

Right now you may be telling yourself, "I already do these things, yet it doesn’t help, so why bother learning these techniques?"  Well, although people informally use many of these "tricks" to reduce tension, they do not practice them enough to be really effective, they do not apply them correctly or conscientiously, and they do not think to use these same techniques when they are angry or frustrated, instead of being nervous.  You can learn how relax better, when to relax, and how to relax in real-life situations.

It is good to start practicing these relaxation lessons each day.  You will be able to begin using your skills within a week or so and should notice a reduction in tension.

Relaxation and Meditation

Meditation involves getting focused on your bodily sensations (feelings) as a way of blocking out the tension and commotion of the outside world.

Step 1. Set aside 15 minutes of time per day that you can devote to these meditation and relaxation exercises.  You should try and select a time when you can be alone and will not be interrupted.  Outside noises and distractions should be kept to a minimum.

Step 2. Find a quiet comfortable place where you have privacy.  Let your mate know that you don’t wish to be disturbed and ask him/her to help out by keeping the kids quiet, answering the phone quickly, and so on.  The place you select should have a soft comfortable chair, although some people opt for sitting on the floor or on a bed.  A reclining chair would be perfect, which is what most therapists use when they teach relaxation training.

Step 3. Get comfortable.  Experiment with different positions until you find one that suits you best.  Close your eyes.

Step 4. Clear your mind of outside distractions and thoughts.  It will help if you focus on something within your body.  Take a deep breath and try to concentrate on the air filling your lungs.  In some forms of meditation, the individual concentrates on a word, a sound, or a syllable which is repeated.  The word might be "relax" or "peace" or "love." If thoughts come to you, just let them roll through your mind.  Do not make an effort to think about them or concentrate on them.

Step 5. Take nice, slow, deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.  Fill your lungs and let go of the tension when you exhale.  Stay within yourself. Listen to the air coming in and going out.  If you have been repeating a word, time the repetitions to coincide with your exhalations.

Step 6. Continue the exercise for fifteen minutes.  Do not worry about whether you are doing it correctly or if it’s working or not.  If you continue to practice each day, you will find that you will progressively become more relaxed and feel less tense.

Relaxation through meditation works by reducing your overall tension level.  In order to be effective, it must become a regular part of your daily schedule.  If your overall level of tension is lower, little things won’t bother you as much and angry feeling won’t occur as often.  You may also be able to use it as a tool in difficult situations to stay calm instead of getting letting yourself get angry.  Simply take a deep breath, exhale the tension, and tell yourself to relax. You will find that the daily practice sessions make it easier for your body to obey the instruction to relax.

Some people actually find exercising can have the same positive benefits for them as the above relaxation exercises.  Physical exercise is very worthwhile and a good substitute. However, for the next step described below, the relaxation is still an important and useful habit to develop.  Other points are important.  For instance, getting enough (but not too much) sleep is very important.

Step 7. Practice the above six steps for at least one week to get good at relaxing.  Go ahead and keep reading this book everyday to develop a better understanding of anger and self-control and how to deal with conflict and people and situations that are difficult.  Next, start out your relaxation exercises for the day as described above for the first fifteen minutes. Then practice fantasizing that you are talking to a person with whom you have difficulties. Practice imagining yourself talking to that person and remaining calm, patient, and understanding.  In your mind imagine yourself complimenting the person on some issue and asking the person to make some change on another issue.  Practice imagining yourself staying calm even if the situation becomes difficult.

While practicing this seventh step, if you start to feel your body becoming tense when you are fantasizing the person with whom you are having difficulty, practice relaxing away the tension before you go any further.  For some people, this seventh step can take many days until they can fantasize themselves talking to people with whom they have difficulties without feeling tension.  This seventh step is a type of role-playing that we will read more about later.  It can be done while driving in the car or at other times during the day when you get fifteen minutes or so free.  It is a way of retraining your reactions and practicing communication skills that will make you more effective in the future.

The seventh step never really gets over.  People who are more successful at dealing with problem situations frequently rehearse situations and conversations that are coming up in the future so that they can handle them better.  They also go over situations that didn’t go so well in the recent past and imagine what they could have said and done differently to have made the situation go better.

Self Control: Controlling Your Temper

Too many people say, "When I get angry, I just lose control."  Many people with temper problems will say, "I just go off, I can’t control myself."  Losing control is probably the most common excuse for aggression.  Many people see it not only as a cause of their aggressive behavior, but also as an acceptable reason, as if "being out of control" means they are not really responsible for what they did.  When husbands beat their wives or parents hit their children, they will often apologize afterward with, "I didn’t really mean it, I just lost control," as if this makes their behavior acceptable.

We cannot accept the thinking that people can’t control their behavior, only that they often don’t control it.  We must be responsible for our own selves.  You may feel frustration, insult, or embarrassment.  The other person may provoke you, hurt you, even aggress against you. But whether you respond with aggression is still your choice, and you alone are responsible for your behavior.

Taking responsibility for your behavior is an important step in self-control.  The phrase "don’t make me spank you" as a threat used to control a child’s behavior is an example of how we may try to rationalize aggressive behavior by placing the responsibility on the other person.  We frequently hear an abusive spouse explain his or her violent behavior by saying "he/she made me do it" or "he/she pushed my buttons."  The more angry a person is, the more likely he is to blame someone else for his own loss of temper.  We might ask, how do these people (your child or your spouse) come to have sufficient power to control your behavior?  Can they make you do other things (like run through the streets naked) or just violent things?  If they can make you start being aggressive, why can’t they make you stop, since they probably don’t enjoy being hurt?  Why can’t they push some more buttons and turn off your anger if they have so much control over you?  Clearly, people can’t make you do anything you don’t choose to do. But, why would you be reading this book if you really wanted to behave aggressively?  We are not saying that you want to behave aggressively, only that, in reality, you choose to because you are responsible for your own behavior.  There are many reasons why people choose to do things they really would rather not do.

To Control Your Temper Better, Work on Your Thinking

Believe it or not, people can actually make themselves angry, by what they tell themselves about a situation.  The mother who tells herself that she is worthless person, because her son does poorly in school and is into drugs, is more likely to lose her temper with him.  The person who tells himself that things are terrible because they didn’t turn out exactly the way he wanted it, is also more likely to lose his self-control.  Sometimes we get our way, sometimes we don’t.  Especially when our wants involve other people, we have to recognize that they have the same rights as we do to want things their way.  It would be nice if things could always go the way we want them to go, but it’s not a catastrophe if they don’t.

We have a choice.  We can tell ourselves negative things and become angry, or we can look at things in a more realistic, positive way and become less angry.  First, try to identify the negative statements you may be making.  Whenever you find yourself starting to get angry or upset, stop and ask yourself, "What am I telling myself?  How am I making myself angry?"

Let’s practice this.  First, think about a recent experience in which you were angry.  Imagine yourself experiencing the situation and the feelings again.  Write down the negative things you are saying to yourself.  Look for instances in which you’re telling yourself that such and such makes you look bad or is proof that you’re no good, as well as those statements that things have to be entirely the way you want them to be.  Now, next to each statement write an alternative statement that disputes the negative statement.  For example, let’s say you got angry last week because your wife made something for dinner that you don’t like:

Negative Self-Statements

1. "She knows I hate chicken and prepared it purposely to spite me."

2. "She has no respect for my wishes."

3. "Just because I don’t make as much money as our neighbors doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like this."

Positive Self-Statements

1. "She knows I don’t like chicken so much, so there must be a reason she made it. Maybe she was in a hurry and this was the easiest dish to make."

2. "I’m not the only one in the family. I know she likes chicken and she’s entitled to have what she likes as much as I am."

3. "Before I blow this all out of proportion, why don’t I try to find out why we are having chicken."

4. "I know chicken is less expensive, and it’s nice that she tries to make nice meals on our budget instead of complaining that I don’t make enough money."

Notice, in this example, the husband doesn’t really know why the wife has prepared chicken, but at first he just assumes the negative possibilities, while it is more likely that the positive possibilities are accurate.  In the absence of the actual facts, why assume the negative, when the positive is or may be more probable.

Remember, when you find yourself getting upset or angry instead of dealing with a frustration calmly: 1.) Use the anger (or upset) as your cue to start looking at what you’re telling yourself. 2.) Identify negative self-statement. 3.) Dispute the negative self-statements by telling yourself positive alternatives.

Don’t Take It Personally

People often get into trouble when they take things too personally.  They see things negatively, for example: "So you think I’m a liar," or "You never listen to anything I say.  You just don’t respect me." When people get angry, they are almost always taking things too personally.  Often times people take problems as personal insults when that wasn’t what was intended.

Instead of dealing with personal issues and insults, define the difficulty as a problem and work toward a solution.  By dealing with problems instead of personalities, anger and aggression can be avoided.  Even when problems are phrased as insults by the other person, avoid taking them personally.  Try to see what is happening between you and the other person as a problem to be solved, rather than an insult to be taken personally.  Use the techniques explained later in this book to help solve the problem you have identified.

Anger: An Important Warning Signal

An important part of self-control is knowing when you are under stress.  In spite of a phrase like "he suddenly blew up," anger and aggression typically do not appear instantly.  They build up slowly, often over a period of several days or even weeks.  While anger can turn to aggression very quickly, usually it is a slower process.  Many spouses who abuse their partners, and parents who abuse their children, will report that they could feel it coming. Some feel tense or nervous, while others report feeling frustrated.  For some people, their stomachs feel knotted, they become irritable.  Their facial expressions, postures, rates and loudness of speech may change.  Often, many small instances of anger occur before major aggression.

Try and identify those cues that signal that you could get angry.  Make a list of your anger cues.  Study it and practice identifying the cues in your everyday relationships.  It is important to "get in touch" with your feeling to recognize your earliest signs of getting frustrated or anger.  Make a list in your Anger Diary (below) of how you are responding to these cues.  If things are getting too tense, find some way to calm yourself down.  Practice relaxing.  Identify any early signs of anger or negative self-statement and replace them with positive ones.  Don’t take it personally.  Count to ten.  If necessary, get out of the situation, at least temporarily. Take a walk.  Go into another room.  Wash your face or have a cold drink of water.  Calm yourself down.

The Anger Diary

Keeping a careful record of each time you get even a little bit angry can be of great benefit. The better you recognize your angry feelings and study them, the more successful you will be at eliminating them and improving your self-control.  Think of anger on a scale of zero to ten. Zero represents peaceful, non-aggressive feelings, while ten represents feelings of very intense anger.  Whenever you feel yourself getting upset or angry, try to assign a number between one and ten which represents how angry or upset you felt. If you handle a difficult situation without anger, note that too as zero anger.

Each day start with a new index card.  Write in the headings as illustrated on the sample card below.  During the day, each time you find yourself getting angry, note the situation and your anger rating before using your self-control techniques.  Now use your self-control techniques and again rate your level of anger.  Finally, in the results column, note what happened.  For example, if you had a fight, if you spanked your child, if you avoided trouble, or if you became calm.  Each evening, look at your daily card and record the number of times you feel you behaved aggressively, that is, the number of times your use of self-control procedures did not work and you were not successful in avoiding trouble (e.g. arguments, etc.).  Estimate length of time before you regained your calmness. See an example below:

Date: March 18th

Situation      Anger rating before          Anger rating after             Results

                    using self-control             using self-control

                    procedures                      procedures

Got cut off     8                                 4                                     Cussed out loud by                                                                                             driver. Calmed myself down

                                                                                                on highway in ten minutes.

Came home    6                                 2                                     Spoke to child with

                                                                                            & wife told me good results. No

my child had aggression. Got

been fighting calm in 3 minutes.

Number of times angry today: 2 aggressive today: 1

Sample card below:

Date:

Situation         Anger rating before         Anger rating after         Results

                    using self-control             using self-control

procedures                         procedures

Number of times angry today:                 aggressive today:

Each day that you are successful in avoiding angry or aggressive behavior you might arrange to reward yourself.  One way to do this is to decide on something special you would really like, but would not ordinarily spend money on (e.g., a bowling ball, book, outfit, theater tickets, etc). Each day that you are successful, place a dollar in an envelope on which you have written the item you are working for.  Each day that you are unsuccessful, take out a dollar.  When you have accumulated enough money in the envelope, purchase the reward for yourself

The Language of Anger

Anger is reflected and contained in the way we think, in the words we say to ourselves or others. It is important to get away from using or even thinking angry words if you wish to improve your emotional self-control.  Remember, none of us has perfect control of his or her temper, although that should be the goal, a goal never to be fully achieved, but a goal none the less.

Angry thoughts and words are usually the first signs of losing one’s self-control.  Angry words are ones that you wouldn’t want to be called.  They are offensive.  Although they are sometimes used in jest, it is important to eliminate them in all situations.  Words like "creep," "liar," "wimp," "punk," "jerk," and worse are typical.  Vulgar, swear words are almost always signs of anger or of an insensitivity towards verbal aggression.  While some people may think that avoiding thinking of someone as a "creep" is being oversensitive, such is not the case. Indeed, traditional religious teachings and non-violent philosophies have always taught to avoid such language.  For instance, Jesus warned that it is wrong to call someone a fool.  It is important to avoid angry thoughts and words and chose more objective, non-angry words to describe what you are trying to say.

Instead of thinking of someone as "stupid," it is better to think or say that he is being foolish or not being very smart.  Instead of thinking or saying someone is a "liar," a loaded word in the English language, it is better to say that he has a serious problem of not telling the truth.  This is true even if the person lies frequently, not because liar would not be accurate, but because of the attacking connotations of the word in modern usage.

Be sure to avoid harsh ways of talking, e.g. telling someone to "shut up."  Instead ask them to "Please, be quite." These small changes in wording and thinking can greatly increase self-control and your ability to deal with difficult situations.  In correcting your thinking, don’t lie to yourself or be over trusting.  Don’t pretend your enemy is your friend, at least not at this time.  Don’t say that someone is a nice person, if they repeatedly are cutting you down.  Say the person is insensitive, hostile or even cruel, if this is true, but don’t let yourself slip into violent or angry language.

Obviously, if you have thoughts that you’d like to hit someone or do something mean to get back, these are also angry, vengeful thought that are misguided.  Even if it were ever necessary to hit someone, something that is extremely unlikely, you should never want to hit that person.

Avoiding anger doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t be realistic.  If someone has done something wrong and deserves to be punished, then they should be punished.  However, taking delight from punishment or excessively punishing someone are mistakes driven by anger, the desire for revenge.  Anger causes punishment to be inconsistent and usually excessive and destructive.  It sometimes leads to physical violence.  Anger almost always makes matters worse.  It increases the likelihood that you will lose your temper more easily in the future.  It also is much more likely to result in the punishment being ineffective, increasing problems rather than decreasing them.  The person punished is much more likely to think the punishment undeserved.  He is less likely to think of what he did wrong and how he could do better in the future.

Rehearsing Self Control

Developing emotional self-control takes repeated practice.  Probably the best practice is in role-playing groups with other people.  In these groups, difficult situations are acted out and group members practice dealing with them sensibly.  A good teacher or therapist sometimes acts as a model and helps guide the group while others in the group try to imitate the model. The group gives feedback to each person on how effective they thought the person handled the conflict being acted out.  Unfortunately, although such groups are easy and fun to do, they are hard to come by.  Therefore, most readers will have to do their own role-playing in their minds.

I suggest that each time you lose your temper and get angry, you later stop and go back over what happened.  Pretend that you are right there again and every thing is happening all over again.  However this time fantasize that you are actually saying and doing the right things. Rehearse the scene several times over.  Use somewhat different words each time you fantasize dealing with the incident.  By varying the words, you develop a greater skill at dealing with such situations in the future.  You become more likely to find the right words in the future when you don’t have time to think.

I use this same technique myself when I make a mistake and get irritated with someone verbally or even just in my mind.  Although I have made a lot of progress, I must admit that I am not perfect and may never be.  I still become irritated three to four times a year in general and much more often with my children when they misbehave, but I will keep trying to do better.  My irritation usually lasts for a few seconds, but it is never really appropriate.  I sometimes speak to my children too harshly, which they immediately notice.  Things always go a little better as soon as I get myself back under control.  I still deal with many conflicts in ways that are less than ideal, e.g. not being gentle enough, but I keep working on it.

Besides rehearsing situations in which you have recently made mistakes, think of situations that you may encounter in the future.  This is especially important to do just before difficult encounters that you have coming up.  I also have practiced dealing with exaggerated situations that would probably be worse than what my patients or myself are likely to encounter, at least at the present time.

For instance, I often ask patients what they would do if someone that they didn’t know came up and spit at them in the face.  It has been very interesting to hear the different reactions. Patients who have problems with anger and violence will almost always say that they would punch the person out or spit back.  With some of these patients merely thinking about such a situation causes them to become tense.

In role-playing groups, patients who are in the hospital for some reason other than anger, when given the above situation, will usually say that they would ask the person who spit why he did what he did.  It is as if the patient with the anger problems carries a chip around on his shoulder and a little moisture on the face makes him fall apart.  For some incomprehensible reason, these patients feel that the foolish action of some total stranger is a serious blow to their self-esteem.  Others have pointed out that many people who have problems with anger suffer from an inferiority complex which makes them more likely to feel hurt by minor insults and more likely to lash out.

One patient of mine who had a serious anger problem actually had someone spit in his face in a bar in the year prior to coming into therapy.  Despite the fact that the other fellow was a drunken friend who was only horsing around and meant no offense, my patient had grabbed his throat and attempted to strangle him.  Fortunately, others pulled him off.

As for myself, if someone spit in my face, I would want to think fast and have many options flash through my mind in such a situation.  I would take a small step backward, look at my assailant and calmly ask him why he had done that.  I would trying to get him talking, but I would also try to calm him down by keeping my voice calm and low and speaking slowly.  I might apologize saying I didn’t know what I had done, but that I was sorry if I had done anything to offend him and ask what it was.  I would be ready to block a punch, call for help, duck, run, and do whatever else might be necessary.  I might press charges if that was possible and appropriate.  The more options that you can think of, the more likely you will be able to think of the best one in a difficult situation.  However, in such a situation as in virtually all conflict situations, a violent response would definitely be the least desirable one.

Something else that I have noted in my role-playing groups is that patients who have problems with anger will often be totally unable to think of what to say in difficult conflict situations. Patients who have problems with their tempers can often think of only two things to do: get violent or walk away, the two least desirable options in most situations. Their anger and their lack of appropriate problem-solving skills make them time bombs ready to go off at any moment.

Other examples I have used include someone taking a hammer and smashing your car window; someone being very angry with you because he thinks that you have given his girlfriend gonorrhea; or walking into your home to find your wife in bed with three men.  The last example actually comes from the real-life experience of one of my patients.  It was still worse than this because his wife, who was only recently separated, was abusing cocaine and his little daughter was standing there, dirty, with a cigarette burn on her forehead.  Although he temporarily rescued his daughter and drove home, his intense anger caused him to immediately get a gun and go back to kill his wife.  He was so incensed that he lost his temper at a gas station along the way and started beating up a gas station attendant.  The police brought him straight to the psychiatric unit.  I was unsuccessful in helping this patient get over his anger which was crippling him and keeping him in the hospital.  His wife went over to his mother’s home and snatched the child back before his mother could stop her.  He didn’t get his temper under control.  After discharge, he deteriorated and quickly ended up in the alcoholism unit. His anger had driven him to the bottle, making him even more unable to be of help to his daughter.  His anger was certainly understandable, but it was very destructive to his life.

Turn the Other Cheek: Breaking the Chain of Aggression

The teaching of Jesus is often misunderstood by modern American Christians, who by and large think Jesus was wrong in saying that if we are slapped on one cheek, that we should turn the other.  Actually, this teaching is very similar to what modern aggression researchers call breaking the chain of aggression.

Typically, what happens in real life is that one person frustrates or provokes another in some small way.  The second person protests in mild words of anger.  The first person feels insulted and responds with words of anger, sometimes escalating the intensity.  Chains of four or five responses are very common.  The longer the chain, the more likely serious violence will occur.  Usually, one person doesn't respond in anger and the chain is broken.  Alternatively, the aggression escalates to where emotional or physical injury occur and the signs of injury cause one or both individuals to cease their verbal attacks.

Jesus was simply saying, "Don't hit back."  If you have no other choice than hitting back or being hit again, it is much better to let the other person hit you.  I don't think that Jesus meant that you shouldn't avoid situations where you are likely to get attacked or that you couldn't back off and let the other person calm down.  He was telling us that we have a moral obligation to break the chain of aggression and that if there is no choice but to get hit or to hit back, that it is always better to let yourself be hit again.

The message of Jesus is very similar to what Gandhi found worked very well in protesting the often brutal occupation of his country by England.  Gandhi taught his followers to love and praise the British at the same time as they were asking the British to go home.  Gandhi thought that it was important to bear the physical blows of the British military and police and never hit back.  The philosophy is worked very well for Gandhi and it is also very practical in everyday life.

In a typical family or interpersonal living situation, we are being hit with little verbal insults several times a week or more.  Ideally, a chain of aggression should never get started or if it does, it should be broken at the earliest opportunity.  If someone tells you, for instance, to "shut up," or "you're a liar," or "you're stupid," it is a sign that that person is getting angry.  By simply not responding at that moment and giving the other person enough time to regain his or her composure, you prevent a chain of aggression from getting started.  Of course, it doesn't feel good to be told to "shut up," but breaking the chain at this point is the least painful thing to do.  Usually, if you don't respond, but instead remain silent, looking down so as to avoid eye contact (eye contact tends to aggravate the angry individual), you prevent a chain of aggression from getting start or growing longer.  Very often, after the attacking individual calms down, say 30 to 90 minutes later, the attacker will realize that he or she got out of control and had become an aggressor.  Very often, the attacker will apologize or at least be repentant and much more open to working on whatever the problem was. 

Anger Behind The Wheel

Getting back to more everyday instances of anger, I have found that for many people, the minor, unexpected frustrations of driving are triggers for anger.  In order to develop better self-control for more major situations, practicing self-control in minor situations, like driving, can be very helpful.  Anger never gets you where you want to go any faster, but it can make you a more reckless driver and raise your blood pressure.

If you are one of the many who gets angry behind the wheel, then I suggest that you start practicing self-control in the following way.  Next time you are out driving, pretend you are in some frustrating driving situation.  Practice thinking what you should say to yourself to remain calm.  Practice being ready for the driver that suddenly pulls out almost causing an accident, the slow driver who blocks your way when you are in a hurry, the drivers who block the street so they can visit with each other, the crude driver who makes obscene gestures and becomes irate in trivial situations.

For instance, with a slow driver you could remind yourself that maybe the person behind the wheel is elderly and may have no other means of transportation available.  You might tell yourself that the crude person who insulted you may have grown up in a bad environment and wasn’t taught to be sensitive to the rights of others.  Feel sorry for this person.  He has to live with himself all day long and his temper undoubtedly makes his own life chaotic and unhappy.  In some severe situations, reporting people to the police may be appropriate, but most of the time this is not possible or practical.  Learning to deal with the small irritations of life without getting irritated or angry will help prepare you for more serious situations in other circumstances.

A study of the role of personality on auto accidents found that individuals with poor driving histories are generally less mature and intellectual while being more prone to anger and aggressiveness.  Alcoholism was found to be the single most important determinant of auto accidents and tended to interact with the above personality characteristics (Tsuang, 1985).

Anger & Coping with Children

Home living situations trigger more anger than all other situations for most people.  Most of us fall into the habit of taking our family members for granted.  Many of us don’t respect the feelings of our family members as much as we should.

When I used to do physical exams for our local Naval Reserve, I asked each soldier how often he lost his temper.  It was very clear that soldiers with children in the home lost their tempers more often than those who did not.  Children considerably increase everyday living frustrations for most people, although it is hoped that they make life enjoyable in other ways to make up for the frustration.  It is important to have the goal of never getting angry with your children or spouse.  You will probably not be able to achieve this, but if you have it as a goal you will get a lot closer to achieving it than if you excuse getting mad as normal and nothing to be concerned about.  There will certainly be frustrations even in homes where families work hard to avoid angry words and actions, however there will more happiness and less pain.  Anger will always make home living at least a little less happy.  I can say with confidence that the more anger there is in a home, the greater the likelihood that that home will be an unhappy one.

When it appears that an angry protest worked out well, it is virtually certain that a loving, but serious and firm non-angry protest would have worked even better.  This is especially true in the long run where it may be better to appear to lose some battles, while converting your children and family to peace.  In working with patients, I have found that one of the best ways to lose the love of your children when they grow up into adulthood is to treat them repeatedly with angry words and angry punishments in childhood.

To deal with the frustrations your children cause, prepare yourself for unexpected misbehavior. Drill yourself on how to handle situations where you have slipped in the past. Practice protesting inappropriate behavior gently and firmly, but without anger.  Be assertive and speak up.  Work out plans on how to deal with problem behavior with your spouse and even with your child.

Ignoring problems is usually a bad idea.  This is especially true of angry or anti-social behavior. Help teach your child the reasons for behaving.  Sensitize your child to the feelings of others by pointing out how he or she is hurting others or hurting you by inappropriate behavior.